oh no

i have been getting kind of nervous, so i am trying to learn to be the kind of person who is not afraid.

patches of light

in one of anne lamott's books she talks about when we follow GOD we learn to step in to the spots of light he or she put in front of us.... and i am starting to learn this truth, i just look for the next bright spot in life and step into it... the funny thing is this is the most functional i have been in a long time. Learning to stop looking as far as i can see in a foggy world, and start looking for the brightness of GOD is the most freeing thing i have learned... in a long while

Here

tired,

excited,

sore throat,

unbelievably happy,

wonderful week,

can't imagine a better life,

know that GOD is good, and love

ready for life,

obedience

Home

feels strange and unsettling, its empty here and i love it, and yet i know i cant live here right now. i am in love with new places, new lives, i like starting with nothing and seeing what happens, i get restless easily, not in a way that i need a busy city, in the way that i need to have new lives often, and at the same time i love knowing minnesota is always here and always home. its funny i spent so much time telling kids i was from california when i was growing up, and it was only when i left i realized how much i am completely in love with all things minnesota, this place is one hundred percent wonderful, indescribable, i can't imagine world without it.

i am so happy here and i cant wait to be at camp, tonight i took a drive next to the lake by my house and all i could think was i wish i was on a dock! 

now i have to find all my friends and that is kind of stressfull, i think i have friends somewhere, how do i locate them in one week, i will have to learn, hmmm... i need to get a grip on life.

i am so happy my family is not crazy, they are only wonderful.

things that are making me happy

1. going home in 5 days
2. finished my paper
3. finished my take home final
4. end of school
5. camp!

i am busy like a bee, and i'm happy 

California Air Quality

Tired

eyes hurt

don't want to

sleep

lovely

angry

WHY?

Please

This Song Will Change Your LIfe

so i saw the shins last night, it really was wonderful, in my book pretty much indescribable, to describe the way i felt, though i might be able to do. all i wanted to do was dance and sing and laugh, and then lie down on the ground like i was going to make a snow angel and let the sound wash over me. and i wasn't even high, so i think that really speaks for itself, i was pleasantly surprised by the whole ordeal. i almost didn't get to go down to the dance floor because i got lost on the way there and ended up not getting there until 7:45 and the doors opened at 7:00, and all the wristbands for the dance floor had been given out, but i met a nice security guard and he gave me a wrist band and it ended up creating one of the best nights of my life so far.

Just jump out the window

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH,

these are my feelings at this moment, why is being a coed so hard, and why do you make it hard,

why are we never honest, 

Because it sucks, and you know it,

yeah it sounds great no more waiting around to see how everyone feels about you, but you know you don't really want that, you love the unhealthiness of sitting in your own festering fantasies.

we all do it fall in love and not even know the person, its really healthy, personally its the only way i fall in love, but now its not so funny, because i am actually making an effort and i have no idea what's going on! so i don't care come at me put me down, its ok i am made of tougher stuff, and you can't break me.

gosh i feel like i am back in jr. year, and just because, i will say it here, in the words of switchfoot, I am a concrete girl, well i feel so much more balanced now.... wow this really is helpful, and i hope your all enjoying my break down too.

what dead artist would you marry?

while the semester winds down i am finishing up one of my most enjoyable courses, art history. the whole thing makes me happy the professor is incredible he is just like your kindergarten teacher at story time. its like reading a really good book but you get to listen to this funny guy tell it in his own words so now i am getting a little disappointed that its almost over, but i thought i would put down my list of favorite artist (or ones i would be willing to marry) for posterity. i thought i would work from oldest to youngest and include my favorite piece.

1. Michelangelo, this one i think lingers from childhood when i read the agony and the ecstasy, i have identified with him ever since, also i think Pieta and David are just beautiful, i love the idea of freeing the work that is already in the marble. what i most like about Pieta is the way Michelangelo makes her such a young women, its like she is a lost little girl, not knowing what to do and yet she has such a strength about here she somehow becomes this stoic female figure that is so often not allowed to be. i also like the way he manipulated the size of Mary and Jesus to make it fit his idea rather then be confined by reality, the sign of a true artist.
2. David, i am not a huge fan of his ideas about women, but i am absolutely in love with the death of Marat, it's not so much the gruesome story around the painting but rather the serenity of the piece, Marat becomes the ultimate Christ like figure in my mind which makes David incredibly skillful.
3. Manet, my most beloved painter, i really can't change the way i feel about luncheon on the grass, it just blows my mind. the first thing that strikes me is the way the girl stares directly at me i am on the lawn, and then i am drawn in by the abstractness of the painting, its the first of its kind to not fit like all the others, the people stand off the background. to me this painting expresses everything i love about Manet, his disregard for the status quo, and his willingness to expose the parts of life that no one is willing to recognize.
4. the next is Cezanne, i am just in love with the idea of Cezanne, the way he paints and his ideas of painting enthrall me, i love the idea of painting life as you see it, at all points in time and i love that as long as he didn't sell it he would be continually working on his paintings. and i think i most connect with his work with color, to me of all the aspects of painting color is the part i love, they convey the most basic emotion. the paint of the canvas has a quality of warmth that i find hard to describe so you must just look 

i think i will have to finish here for now, but don't worry there is always room for a few more artist husbands.

losing my mind 2000 miles away

this weekend i had a little facebook chat with a coed across the country, we had a little chat about losing your mind in a different place. have you ever felt this strange feeling, in a way its amazing you stop stressing about your real life and begin to stress about the life going on in your mind, and it really is quiet fun though not quiet healthy. but then you get home, its summer ect. and what do you find, he is not quite as perfect as you thought he was, or in my friends case it is rather the opposite, and only 200 miles, but he goes home and your mind is left all alone, and if he was really that great when you were together then you would have done something, but he is just relatively good, good enough that you can create an incredible him in your mind, it is all rather complicated and yet it all comes down to a simple principle, find someone to fall in love with and then chose to live so far away you can only see them twice a year, make sure they are so academic you never worry about them straying, make sure they make you happy when you do see them for short spurts, and let your imagination take the rest, its sure to be better then reality. i happen to know this to be very true because it is my life, and though i began it thinking it was severely unhealthy, i find myself happier and less obsessed then i have ever been, which really is an accomplishment, for some one so unhinged as myself, 

besides that, swine influenza has broken out at my institution, and reeked havoc. its really quite a sight to see, on the one hand you have kids worried sick (pun) and on the other hand you have the kids hoping that one more will contract the virus and keep us all out of school for the week, it is keeping the hallway discussion active, and me annoyed which is healthy, i personally think/hope

1. that classes will not be canceled, please just let me finnish out the term
2. that swine influenza sounds an lot like seasonal influenza, and americans so love to be excited by deadly diseases
   

keep your spirits up love, 

happy dreams and nightmares

last night i watched alot of MASH... like way to much, and yet i was not even close to sick of it when i turned the TV off, and let me tell you why. mostly Hawkeye, i know what you're thinking... what has happened to this poor child's brain. i think i should start at the beginning, see one of my first favorite tv shows was scrubs and i like the show overall anyway, but i also may have had a thing for jd, and i think this was mostly because he's a quirky guy and i like quirky guys, and over time i started watching House (this phase is mostly out of me) this was mostly because of Dr. house, see i have a thing about angry older men, who knows what is really going on is my psyche, and then i started realizing i may have a thing about doctors, because you see there is this guy doctor type and i realized i really like him, like maybe more then friends and also he looks in my minds eye a little like hawkeye, so i spent 4 hours watching mash last night, i know noble use of my time... its ok because i went to bed happy. but the funniest part is, i don't think i like the doctors because they have money in fact none of the doctors i watch on tv have money and the boy i like he doesnt have doctor money either so i think i am safe from incidentally becoming the wife of dr. 90210, because that would be a real nightmare. yes i have to say that is one dr. i am definiatly not interested in. in-fact he scares me so much i really refuse to watch that show, can you imagine being married to him! i still have to say hawkeye is my favorite Dr. i think its the fact that he cares combined with his lefty politics that really does him in for me ;) well see you later with more unruly thoughts of a coed...

life, jealousy, and concern

the life of the american coed is... well fascinating

there is the intense feeling of freedom that seems to take over the moment the coed enters the dorm and it really only goes down from there, the insatiable need to do everything you ever had the urge to do but never the resources or freedom you now have, 
just tonight i viewed a sad little sight, a coed naturally 6 inches shorter then me had apparently grown 8 inches in the afternoon and her dress just couldn't keep up, it was sad her butt must have felt awful cold i can't imagine. the jealousy comes into play when you realize that life goes on without you, like tonight my family is off enjoying an eclectic little gathering to hear a hipster viola player, and i am enjoying my ipod on shuffle. but life goes on, and apparently i have some fun of my own.

Welcome to Insanity

so this is just a little experiment in creative writing but also a flash back to high school for me, and i wanted to try it again. Hmm the life of an unruly coed, well i began in Minnesota, i know Unbelievable but very true, and now i live in the craziness of Southern california, do you live in southern california, if you do i think you might have lost a little bit of your mind, i mean its fine being a coed, it is not so great for life i think, 4 years are tolerable a life time is not. but this day begins in a dorm room with no electricity and hopefully ends in not a dorm ;0. thats right I'm house hunting, its great, and i might have just found something, so that would really make my day! so that is a very boring post i hope that my blogging skills will improve, give me some time.